My Birthday

My 18th birthday was 2 days ago. I have had a string of bad luck on my birthdays for about 5 years now. When I turned 12, there was a tornado in the area of where I live, and I ended up getting electrocuted due to a power surge. That started the bad luck. Another year, we got flooded, and our basement was practically a swimming pool. That same day, my cousin ended up in the hospital. For my 14th, my dad got called to work when we were supposed to be celebrating, so I couldn’t see him all night. And of course, the luck continued this year.

I knew my best friend was trying to plan a surprise lunch party for me, but I figured it out because I am a hard person to truly surprise. I usually figure them out, always. So my friends ended up coming over. Lunch was fun, but I am still stuck in this depression, so I didn’t feel like myself. I hate the attention that a birthday brings. I just don’t feel that I deserve it. When all my friends were going to leave my house, it suddenly hit me that this was the last time that we were all going to be able to gather in my house. I will be moving in a couple weeks, and between work and school schedules, it gets hard to have everyone together. My house is right next to our high school, so it was always the common meeting place for my friends. We had lunch here every day during senior year. We’ve had multiple birthday parties for friends here. It has been our meeting place for dances and proms. It is has been the life of the party for many years, and it’s going to be very hard to leave.

I got pretty emotional after they all left, and it didn’t end for a very long time. I told my friend I needed to talk; the same friend that planned my birthday lunch. He said he was busy, and left to go to the mall with his other friend; the girl that resulted in us breaking up. I was instantly offended. He left my party to go be with her. I still hate her. Ultimately, this made me even more emotional and upset. I didn’t have my best friend to talk to.

On top of all this, I discovered that one of my used-to-be best friends is now pregnant. We used to be like sisters. We practically lived together. This was the icing on the cake (no pun intended) for a shitty birthday.

I put a smile on my face to have cake and ice cream with my extended family, but on the inside, and outside, I just wanted to cry. It had been such an emotional day.

So theirs my story of another birthday gone wrong. The start of my 18th year that I’ll never forget.

The next day was much better. I found out who I will be rooming with at college, and she seems really nice. Tonight, I am going camping with all my cousins, which should be fun.

I hope you have all had a good week!

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College

What’s up guys!

So here’s the newest stress in my life.

Well first, we’ll start things off happy. I turn 18 in 4 days! Woot!

But, becoming an adult brings so many new things that I’m not sure if I’m ready for. College starts in 34 days. I think I’m ready, but of course theirs issues getting to the point where I feel comfortable. Can you even feel comfortable during a big life event like this?

Issue #1: My college bill isn’t right. I got some scholarships toward my education and they haven’t been processed by the college yet. Actually, they got ignored and set aside. This being said, my college bill for the fall semester is due August 1st, and I don’t have the correct amount I need to pay, which means it will be crunch time when it comes to getting a loan. So pray for me that they will soon get it straightened out.

Issue #2: I went to my orientation date back in June. 2 days after I graduated, actually. At orientation, we were instructed to make our schedules. I am a Spanish major, so I had already been keeping in close contact with a professor, and she had advised me to take a few classes to get out of the way. Well, when I went to make my schedule, they had me listed as a business major. No way. This meant all my choices for classes were completely not what I needed, and there were no language professors on campus that day to help me. Therefore, I still haven’t gotten the right classes that I need to be enrolled in, AND I can not buy textbooks yet until I know for certain that I am in the right classes.

Issue #3: Roommate. I will figure out who she is next Thursday and I am extremely nervous. I keep thinking of so many “what-ifs” when it comes to this person, because I have never met her before. It is a perfect stranger that I will be living with for at least the next year. Any advice on how you got to know your roommate, and if everything went okay? I just want the ideal relationship, where you can instantly become best friends. Maybe this is too much to ask for?

Anyways. I am feeling the college stress right now, and I’m not even there! If you have any comments or advice, PLEASE leave me a message. Anything is sure to help! Thanks!

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Depressed

It started on my mother’s birthday 8 days ago. When the family came over. Even though I was in a room with people that I have known and loved my whole life, I felt alone. All day I had felt sad, depressed, like I could look forward to nothing. Little did I know I was starting on a road that doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. Currently, I’m still battling this crippling feeling.

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression before, but this feeling inside can’t be anything else. I feel alone, hollow, and sad. Very sad. All the time. In the past I have gone through phases; I would have a bad day, and then wake up the next day looking past what made me feel low. Now, I cant. It just piles up, and multiplies, and feels never ending. I feel like my life is turning into one big disappointment. I go to bed hoping for a better tomorrow, and so far, it hasn’t come.

I just graduated high school. I have been surrounded by people who claim that they are happy for me, but I cant believe they are. I have a younger brother. He is more important. He has always been favored, and I have always been looked over. He is “talented, inventive, smart, and will go places.” Words of my family members. Me? Nah, I’m forgotten. Don’t think about the important things I have accomplished in my life. I guess they’re really not important. This is one of the things that have led to me being sad. I just want someone to tell me I am good enough, because right now, I’m believing that I’m not.

In the midst of all this chaos, we’re moving. We’ve sold our house and purchased another. I am also moving into college a week after we move houses. I feel like no one understands this pain. I have lived in this house for 18 years. All the memories of my life have revolved around this house and neighborhood. Since I’m going to college, people assume that I don’t have anything to do with this new house. Like I’m being kicked out. Like I don’t care. I do care. People ask if I am still a part of our family functions. Am I invisible? Am I disappearing from my family? Who knows. I don’t know why people are asking these questions and making these assumptions. Little do they know, they are reason #2 why I am depressed.

A part of having depression is feeling like you cannot tell others your problems with fear that you will bother them, or push them away.  I have 2 close friends that I am willing to share my problems with. However, I am starting to regret it. I feel like I should keep my problems on the down-low, in order to reduce the chance of annoying them, and making them not want anything to do with me anymore. I am stuck in a phase and do not know how to get out of it. I can’t even talk to my parents. You think that when someone notices you are sad or down, they ask you about it, or at least assure that you are okay. Not in this circumstance. No one asks. They assume I am being moody, and just don’t feel like talking. Reason #3 falls along the lines of feeling like no one cares. It sucks to feel like the people you should always be able to go to don’t care about what’s going through your mind. If you know anyone suffering from depression, don’t assume; ask.

I thought a lot about writing this blog post. I’ve gone through a lot, and am still going through a lot dealing with this feeling. I just want people to know that it truly is the little things that matter to a person. These little things can contribute to both ends of the spectrum; good and bad feelings. You truly never know what a person is going through. The people who are happiest on the outside are often the most sad on the inside.

I want to thank anyone who reads this post. I wrote this as a way to dish out my feelings anonymously, and without feeling like I am bothering anyone close to me. If you have any personal experiences or advice you’re willing to share, please comment. Thank you.

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Catch-Up

Hey followers,

Once again, I’m very sorry about not posting anything. It’s been a crazy 6 months for me, and I can’t even believe half the things that have happened lately. I think the last thing I talked about was my senior play. That was really fun. I learned that I have amazingly talented best friends, and I’m so proud of what we all accomplished together.

After the senior play came my Spanish club trip to Spain and Italy. I, being a Spanish geek and travel enthusiast, was so excited to go on this trip. My mom was going with me, and I had a group of friends who were going too. Well, long story short, there were bad storms the day we were supposed to leave, so we spent the day listening to our flight get delayed time after time in the airport. After 12 hours of this misery, we left and came home. I had never been more disappointed in my life. The director of our trip spent countless hours working on new plans to determine if we could even still go on this trip. It ended up resulting in a plan that had split our group of 50 people into 3 different flight routes, all to go to different places, and to hopefully meet again in Spain….3 days after the expected departure date. The plan was a success, and we all met together again in Barcelona. We had about 6.5 days of exploring Spain and Italy. It was amazing. This story should’ve received its own blog post…maybe in the future.

After the disaster of the Spanish club trip, I turned right back around and went on my senior trip. 80 students flew to Orlando, Florida for a long weekend. It was so much fun. I was with all of my best friends, and we made a lot of memories (some that I should not mention:)). It went by way too fast. I wish I could relive it again.

Sooner than I thought, graduation day showed up. All my family came in to town, and it was so nice to see everyone. I got to sit next to my ex at graduation. But no worries, this is a good thing. I call him by bEX friend, because we are still super close (I hope it works out in the future, but this isn’t the post to talk about that). On the same day I shared a party with my cousin, who also graduated. We got a pizza truck, which was so good! It was a really good, but tiring, day.

2 days after graduation I went to my college orientation. I had a really fun time, and met some really cool girls that I will hopefully see again in the fall. I’m super excited to start the college journey, and I’m looking forward to new experiences.

Well, there’s the past 6 months in 5 paragraphs! Totally shortened and to the point ( I don’t wanna bore anyone). Currently, we are in the process of moving. It’s super stressful and I cant wait to get it over with. I hope to stay in touch with my blog, and get to hear from more of you again! Thank you for caring enough about my life to finish my post. It means a lot!

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Drama

Help. 

Lately I’ve been really pissed about the cliques in school. Theirs about 3 groups of girls/guys in my HS that have thought they’re the shit since about 3rd grade and now, I’m sick of it. 

We’re coming to the end of our senior play, and they think they are the only ones accomplishing anything. My best friend has the lead role, and they’re judging him because well, thats just what they do. This is only a fraction of the amount of judging they do. I’m about to snap. 

I guess I need advice on how you have dealt with the pettiness of high school bitches. It’s been a long 12 years, and I might just have to do something about it. 

Help. 

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Break

Hey guys. I’ve really felt bad about my inactivity lately. I really want to keep my blog going more often than I have been. Life’s been SO crazy between starting my senior play, teaching dance, trying to find a new house, and handling senior year activities. I promise there will be more coming. Thanks for your continued support ❤

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2017

2017.

The year I preform and discover hidden talents with my peers.

The year I walk across the stage, and get my High School diploma.

The year I dance in my last recital.

The year I celebrate with my family all the accomplishments I’ve made.

The year I start my education at my dream college. 

The year I move, from the house I’ve lived in for 17 years, to another; unfamiliar. 

The year that I start my journey to adulthood.

2017; the year my life changes.

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