Dear Uncle D

*This post is dedicated to my uncle who has recently passed away on December 11th, 2017*

Dear Uncle D,

I’m writing this letter because I have felt so many emotions since you have passed, and I wanted to apologize.

I don’t think anyone saw this coming. I didn’t even think of the possibility that Thanksgiving would be our last holiday without you. I thought everything was going to be okay, and that life would continue to be completely normal after the operation. I hope you know that I wish I could’ve talked to you that last day I saw you. I don’t even think I got to say goodbye to you and I regret it.

I know we weren’t that close, but I miss you every day. Its not the same without you at family gatherings. I miss hearing your subtle laugh and your jokes that come out of no where, but are hilarious. I miss being scared to ask you to ride the gator through your woods, even though I know now that there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I now know that I shouldn’t take any family time for granted, even if I don’t think it means a lot. You never know when you cant get those opportunities anymore.

I will always remember the emotions I felt the day of your surgery. I was sitting in my History class. I hated that class. My teacher was a bitch, and I know you would’ve agreed. I checked my phone to see a message from mom that said your surgery had some complications, but that everything was going to be okay. I believed that you would make it. I knew you were a strong man. You had to make it.

The next week went on and on. There was some good news, followed by bad news, some moments of hope, and some moments of horror. All we could do was pray, cry, and hope. And trust me, there was a lot of all three of those actions.

The day I spent at the hospital was a crazy one. I should’ve stayed and went to my classes, but I wanted to be there because I wanted to be there when you woke up. I wanted to see the million dollar man. Our family sat in a room together and tried to make a positive atmosphere. We could all feel you there with us that day; I’m sure you know what happened. When they said that they needed to airlift you to ensure the best treatment for you, I had a bad feeling. We got to meet the helicopter staff. They explained to us everything that happened. I even went outside and saw the helicopter that you would be in. I took a picture. Then I deleted it. I didn’t want to remember that sight. I didn’t even really want to remember that day. We still continued to have hope that this was the best option, and that you’d push through it all.

This all happened during my first semester of finals week in college. I was sitting in a review class for Astronomy class when I got the call that you decided to let go. In a way, I was surprised. I was surprised that you had lasted this long in the conditions that you had been through over the course of a week. I was also surprised that it didn’t work. I know you were a strong man, but it found a way to conquer you. I couldn’t believe it, and some days, I still can’t believe it. Such a vital piece of our family, of our community, of our town taken away so fast and so unfairly.

Your calling hours were amazing. Three hours of a nonstop crowd of people. People were waiting hours to see you and say their final goodbyes. You had an impact on so many lives. So many people were touched by you. So many people are proud of your accomplishments.

A couple weeks ago I took a couple of your hats. You had 124 hats that we could find, and I’m sure you have 124 more stashed away somewhere in your man cave. I look at the two hats every single day and think of you. I like to say that I still have a little piece of you that can make me think of you for the rest of my life.

I think about you almost every single day. Some days I am still in denial that this has even happened. I think that maybe you’re just on a bear hunt, or out puttering in the garage, and that we’ll get to catch up sometime soon. It hurts me to think that we’ll never get to catch up until we meet again. I know that you’re with all of us every single day, and I hope that you’ll read this letter, and know that I still think of you, and I always will.

“I’m gonna sit right here on the edge of this peer and watch the sunset disappear, and drink a beer” – Luke Bryan

I hope heaven is treating you with an eternal paradise that you deserve. Until we meet again,

Leslie

Extremely Long Break

Hey Guys!

So yeah, I’m not even sure if anyone follows me anymore because its literally been over a year since I’ve actively posted on my account. But, I decided I had too many thoughts to keep in my head, so here I am back on my blog where I can vent.

So…the past year has been one of the most INSANE years of my whole entire life. I graduated from high school in June of 2017. It was literally one of the best days of my life. I am so glad I don’t have to go back to that shithole as a student. The whole atmosphere of that place was so degrading and I don’t miss my high school experience at all. I have a couple friends that I miss seeing every day, and I have one teacher that was literally my best friend, but other than that, I don’t miss it at all.

Right after I graduated high school, my family moved to a new town. I cant remember if I wrote about this in any previous blogs…im sure I have…but here’s a quick summary. My dad got a new job that was located about an hour and a half away from where we were living at the time. We tried to make it work, still living in the same town, and my dad had a small apartment where he stayed a couple nights a week. We are such a close family that we knew we couldn’t keep living apart. We bought a house, moved in in September, and we all love the new town and everything that has come along with it.

Literally two weeks before we moved, I moved into college. This was such a scary experience for me. I had chosen to live with a random roommate that I knew nothing about. I had never lived on my own before, and the longest time I had spent away from my parents was about two weeks. It was terrifying. Plus, I had misplaced so much of my personal stuff (including my college textbooks, yikes) in the process of moving into college and a new house at the same time. Although I literally wanted to cry for like two weeks after I moved in, and couldn’t eat because I was so anxious, I literally made such a great decision. I love my roommate and neighbors so much. We all compliment each other so well, we get along great, and we have so many similar interests. They made my personal transition so much easier and I couldn’t thank them enough. We are even planning to go visit their hometown over summer vacation and I am so excited!

College life has its perks, but the work makes me feel like shit. I am a Spanish major, so I literally have to work my ass off to try to learn the language while maintaining my other studies. Its definitely hard, but I am maintaining a really good GPA, and I’m very proud of it.

So theirs a tiny update on my life in the past year! I really think I want to start blogging at least once a week because I have a lot of thoughts that just get lost in my head and have no place to go. I really appreciate everyone and anyone who reads my blogs! Feel free to leave a comment to let me know who you are too! Thanks!

-Leslie

My Birthday

My 18th birthday was 2 days ago. I have had a string of bad luck on my birthdays for about 5 years now. When I turned 12, there was a tornado in the area of where I live, and I ended up getting electrocuted due to a power surge. That started the bad luck. Another year, we got flooded, and our basement was practically a swimming pool. That same day, my cousin ended up in the hospital. For my 14th, my dad got called to work when we were supposed to be celebrating, so I couldn’t see him all night. And of course, the luck continued this year.

I knew my best friend was trying to plan a surprise lunch party for me, but I figured it out because I am a hard person to truly surprise. I usually figure them out, always. So my friends ended up coming over. Lunch was fun, but I am still stuck in this depression, so I didn’t feel like myself. I hate the attention that a birthday brings. I just don’t feel that I deserve it. When all my friends were going to leave my house, it suddenly hit me that this was the last time that we were all going to be able to gather in my house. I will be moving in a couple weeks, and between work and school schedules, it gets hard to have everyone together. My house is right next to our high school, so it was always the common meeting place for my friends. We had lunch here every day during senior year. We’ve had multiple birthday parties for friends here. It has been our meeting place for dances and proms. It is has been the life of the party for many years, and it’s going to be very hard to leave.

I got pretty emotional after they all left, and it didn’t end for a very long time. I told my friend I needed to talk; the same friend that planned my birthday lunch. He said he was busy, and left to go to the mall with his other friend; the girl that resulted in us breaking up. I was instantly offended. He left my party to go be with her. I still hate her. Ultimately, this made me even more emotional and upset. I didn’t have my best friend to talk to.

On top of all this, I discovered that one of my used-to-be best friends is now pregnant. We used to be like sisters. We practically lived together. This was the icing on the cake (no pun intended) for a shitty birthday.

I put a smile on my face to have cake and ice cream with my extended family, but on the inside, and outside, I just wanted to cry. It had been such an emotional day.

So theirs my story of another birthday gone wrong. The start of my 18th year that I’ll never forget.

The next day was much better. I found out who I will be rooming with at college, and she seems really nice. Tonight, I am going camping with all my cousins, which should be fun.

I hope you have all had a good week!

College

What’s up guys!

So here’s the newest stress in my life.

Well first, we’ll start things off happy. I turn 18 in 4 days! Woot!

But, becoming an adult brings so many new things that I’m not sure if I’m ready for. College starts in 34 days. I think I’m ready, but of course theirs issues getting to the point where I feel comfortable. Can you even feel comfortable during a big life event like this?

Issue #1: My college bill isn’t right. I got some scholarships toward my education and they haven’t been processed by the college yet. Actually, they got ignored and set aside. This being said, my college bill for the fall semester is due August 1st, and I don’t have the correct amount I need to pay, which means it will be crunch time when it comes to getting a loan. So pray for me that they will soon get it straightened out.

Issue #2: I went to my orientation date back in June. 2 days after I graduated, actually. At orientation, we were instructed to make our schedules. I am a Spanish major, so I had already been keeping in close contact with a professor, and she had advised me to take a few classes to get out of the way. Well, when I went to make my schedule, they had me listed as a business major. No way. This meant all my choices for classes were completely not what I needed, and there were no language professors on campus that day to help me. Therefore, I still haven’t gotten the right classes that I need to be enrolled in, AND I can not buy textbooks yet until I know for certain that I am in the right classes.

Issue #3: Roommate. I will figure out who she is next Thursday and I am extremely nervous. I keep thinking of so many “what-ifs” when it comes to this person, because I have never met her before. It is a perfect stranger that I will be living with for at least the next year. Any advice on how you got to know your roommate, and if everything went okay? I just want the ideal relationship, where you can instantly become best friends. Maybe this is too much to ask for?

Anyways. I am feeling the college stress right now, and I’m not even there! If you have any comments or advice, PLEASE leave me a message. Anything is sure to help! Thanks!

Depressed

It started on my mother’s birthday 8 days ago. When the family came over. Even though I was in a room with people that I have known and loved my whole life, I felt alone. All day I had felt sad, depressed, like I could look forward to nothing. Little did I know I was starting on a road that doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. Currently, I’m still battling this crippling feeling.

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression before, but this feeling inside can’t be anything else. I feel alone, hollow, and sad. Very sad. All the time. In the past I have gone through phases; I would have a bad day, and then wake up the next day looking past what made me feel low. Now, I cant. It just piles up, and multiplies, and feels never ending. I feel like my life is turning into one big disappointment. I go to bed hoping for a better tomorrow, and so far, it hasn’t come.

I just graduated high school. I have been surrounded by people who claim that they are happy for me, but I cant believe they are. I have a younger brother. He is more important. He has always been favored, and I have always been looked over. He is “talented, inventive, smart, and will go places.” Words of my family members. Me? Nah, I’m forgotten. Don’t think about the important things I have accomplished in my life. I guess they’re really not important. This is one of the things that have led to me being sad. I just want someone to tell me I am good enough, because right now, I’m believing that I’m not.

In the midst of all this chaos, we’re moving. We’ve sold our house and purchased another. I am also moving into college a week after we move houses. I feel like no one understands this pain. I have lived in this house for 18 years. All the memories of my life have revolved around this house and neighborhood. Since I’m going to college, people assume that I don’t have anything to do with this new house. Like I’m being kicked out. Like I don’t care. I do care. People ask if I am still a part of our family functions. Am I invisible? Am I disappearing from my family? Who knows. I don’t know why people are asking these questions and making these assumptions. Little do they know, they are reason #2 why I am depressed.

A part of having depression is feeling like you cannot tell others your problems with fear that you will bother them, or push them away.  I have 2 close friends that I am willing to share my problems with. However, I am starting to regret it. I feel like I should keep my problems on the down-low, in order to reduce the chance of annoying them, and making them not want anything to do with me anymore. I am stuck in a phase and do not know how to get out of it. I can’t even talk to my parents. You think that when someone notices you are sad or down, they ask you about it, or at least assure that you are okay. Not in this circumstance. No one asks. They assume I am being moody, and just don’t feel like talking. Reason #3 falls along the lines of feeling like no one cares. It sucks to feel like the people you should always be able to go to don’t care about what’s going through your mind. If you know anyone suffering from depression, don’t assume; ask.

I thought a lot about writing this blog post. I’ve gone through a lot, and am still going through a lot dealing with this feeling. I just want people to know that it truly is the little things that matter to a person. These little things can contribute to both ends of the spectrum; good and bad feelings. You truly never know what a person is going through. The people who are happiest on the outside are often the most sad on the inside.

I want to thank anyone who reads this post. I wrote this as a way to dish out my feelings anonymously, and without feeling like I am bothering anyone close to me. If you have any personal experiences or advice you’re willing to share, please comment. Thank you.

Catch-Up

Hey followers,

Once again, I’m very sorry about not posting anything. It’s been a crazy 6 months for me, and I can’t even believe half the things that have happened lately. I think the last thing I talked about was my senior play. That was really fun. I learned that I have amazingly talented best friends, and I’m so proud of what we all accomplished together.

After the senior play came my Spanish club trip to Spain and Italy. I, being a Spanish geek and travel enthusiast, was so excited to go on this trip. My mom was going with me, and I had a group of friends who were going too. Well, long story short, there were bad storms the day we were supposed to leave, so we spent the day listening to our flight get delayed time after time in the airport. After 12 hours of this misery, we left and came home. I had never been more disappointed in my life. The director of our trip spent countless hours working on new plans to determine if we could even still go on this trip. It ended up resulting in a plan that had split our group of 50 people into 3 different flight routes, all to go to different places, and to hopefully meet again in Spain….3 days after the expected departure date. The plan was a success, and we all met together again in Barcelona. We had about 6.5 days of exploring Spain and Italy. It was amazing. This story should’ve received its own blog post…maybe in the future.

After the disaster of the Spanish club trip, I turned right back around and went on my senior trip. 80 students flew to Orlando, Florida for a long weekend. It was so much fun. I was with all of my best friends, and we made a lot of memories (some that I should not mention:)). It went by way too fast. I wish I could relive it again.

Sooner than I thought, graduation day showed up. All my family came in to town, and it was so nice to see everyone. I got to sit next to my ex at graduation. But no worries, this is a good thing. I call him by bEX friend, because we are still super close (I hope it works out in the future, but this isn’t the post to talk about that). On the same day I shared a party with my cousin, who also graduated. We got a pizza truck, which was so good! It was a really good, but tiring, day.

2 days after graduation I went to my college orientation. I had a really fun time, and met some really cool girls that I will hopefully see again in the fall. I’m super excited to start the college journey, and I’m looking forward to new experiences.

Well, there’s the past 6 months in 5 paragraphs! Totally shortened and to the point ( I don’t wanna bore anyone). Currently, we are in the process of moving. It’s super stressful and I cant wait to get it over with. I hope to stay in touch with my blog, and get to hear from more of you again! Thank you for caring enough about my life to finish my post. It means a lot!

Drama

Help. 

Lately I’ve been really pissed about the cliques in school. Theirs about 3 groups of girls/guys in my HS that have thought they’re the shit since about 3rd grade and now, I’m sick of it. 

We’re coming to the end of our senior play, and they think they are the only ones accomplishing anything. My best friend has the lead role, and they’re judging him because well, thats just what they do. This is only a fraction of the amount of judging they do. I’m about to snap. 

I guess I need advice on how you have dealt with the pettiness of high school bitches. It’s been a long 12 years, and I might just have to do something about it. 

Help. 

Break

Hey guys. I’ve really felt bad about my inactivity lately. I really want to keep my blog going more often than I have been. Life’s been SO crazy between starting my senior play, teaching dance, trying to find a new house, and handling senior year activities. I promise there will be more coming. Thanks for your continued support ❤

2017

2017.

The year I preform and discover hidden talents with my peers.

The year I walk across the stage, and get my High School diploma.

The year I dance in my last recital.

The year I celebrate with my family all the accomplishments I’ve made.

The year I start my education at my dream college. 

The year I move, from the house I’ve lived in for 17 years, to another; unfamiliar. 

The year that I start my journey to adulthood.

2017; the year my life changes.

Christmas!!

Hey guys, so sorry I haven’t been active lately. Here’s what’s been going on.. 

Before Christmas I reconnected with some friends! It felt so good. We don’t live in the same town, and don’t see each other often, so it was a good time. We went ice skating and got some pizza afterward. What could be better than ice skating and food?! 

On Christmas Eve, my whole family came to my house. Thats 25 people in my tiny house. Somehow we manage it every year! It was such a good time playing air hockey and ping pong with my cousins. My mom organized some fun games, unfortunately I didn’t win, but I got to smile and laugh lots, which means just as much. 

Christmas was hectic. My family wakes up around 8 am, opens all our presents, and then we go to my nanas for breakfast and open up more presents. After that, my grandparents come to my house, open more presents, then my cousins join us for dinner. It calls for a long day. My favorite Christmas present had to be my heat blanket for my car… yes, my car. I’m freezing ALL the time, so I’m sure it’ll get a lot of use. It was bittersweet, because this is the last Christmas we will be having in my house. Since we’re moving in the summer, someone else will have to take on the traditions of having the parties. I’m okay with it, it’s the start of something new! 

Two days after Christmas, I had a cardiology appointment (I have a slight problem with my heart), and then went to Altitude with my cousins. Altitude is an indoor trampoline park. I highly recommend it. 

And finally, today I got 7 of my friends together to go ice skating. It was fun to see them again, as we have been out of school for over a week. I used my new skates, and they’re perfect!

Comment the best part about your holidays! I’d love to hear from you all!